For Students and Families
Why Asking for Help Can Feel So Hard
For many students, office hours or extra help sessions feel more like a trap than a lifeline.
You’re supposed to walk into a room, one-on-one with a teacher or professor, and admit you don’t understand?
It can feel terrifying—like you’re exposing yourself as someone who’s behind or unprepared.
But here’s the truth that often gets left out of school orientations and syllabi:
Asking for help is a learned skill.
And like any other executive functioning skill, it’s something you can build with practice.
What Students Often Experience
If you’re a student, you might recognize this:
- You’ve always been the “smart one,” so not knowing something feels scary.
- You have ADHD, autism, or anxiety, and it’s hard to find the right words on the spot.
- You’ve heard “just advocate for yourself,” but no one actually showed you how.
- It seems like everyone else understands the material—and you feel alone in your confusion.
So instead of asking for help, you might:
- Sit quietly with a question until the test comes.
- Avoid asking altogether, even when you’re struggling.
- Send an email that’s too long, too apologetic, and too late.
None of that means you’re lazy or failing. It means you’re overwhelmed.
What’s Going On Behind the Scenes
From a brain science perspective, uncertainty can feel like a threat—especially if past experiences taught you that asking for help might lead to judgment, rejection, or embarrassment.
Students with ADHD, autism, anxiety, or a trauma history often experience this more intensely.
The nervous system isn’t avoiding the class. It’s avoiding the risk of shame.
A Note to Parents
If you’re a parent or caregiver, you might feel confused when your student won’t go to office hours or ask their teacher for clarification. You may even assume it’s a lack of motivation.
But what students often can’t articulate is this:
- Asking for help feels emotionally risky.
- They’re afraid of being seen as behind.
- They want support but don’t know how to initiate it.
What helps most is validation and tools:
- Normalize that everyone needs help sometimes.
- Share your own experiences asking for help (awkwardness and all!).
- Help your child or teen rehearse what to say or draft an email together.
- Praise the effort to reach out, not just the academic outcome.
Practical Strategies That Help
Here’s what students (and parents supporting them) can do to make help-seeking in high school and college more approachable:
1. Use a Script
Sometimes the hardest part is just getting started. Try phrases like:
- “Can I get your take on this part?”
- “I tried this, but I’m still stuck—can you help me figure out what’s next?”
- “I want to do better on the next test, and I’m not sure where I went wrong.”
2. Write It Down First
If you freeze in the moment, prepare what you want to say ahead of time. It’s completely okay to bring notes or even read from your phone. It shows thoughtfulness, not weakness.
3. Start Small
If face-to-face feels too big:
- Ask one classmate a question.
- Email a single, specific question to a teacher or professor.
- Attend a study group or review session just to observe.
4. Reframe It
Getting help doesn’t mean you’re falling behind. It means you care enough to engage.
Help isn’t a last resort. It’s part of the learning process.
From a Student:
“I thought going to office hours would prove I didn’t belong in the class. But when I went, my professor said, ‘Thanks for stopping by—I’m glad you’re here.’ I realized they wanted to help, and I wasn’t the only one showing up.”
From a Parent:
“When I finally stopped asking ‘why won’t you just go ask for help?’ and started asking, ‘what feels hard about it?’—my daughter opened up. We practiced what she’d say, and she went the next week. That shift changed everything.”
Final Word: Bravery, Not Burnout
Asking for help is one of the hardest executive functioning skills—and one of the most important.
When students learn to ask for school support (even awkwardly or imperfectly), they’re building:
- Confidence
- Self-trust
- Lifelong advocacy skills
Students who thrive aren’t the ones who never need help.
They’re the ones who learn when to raise their hand and say:
“I’m stuck—and I want to figure it out.”
That’s not failure. That’s growth.
