Let’s talk about a certain kind of passivity that wears the face of innocence.
“I didn’t know that’s what we were doing.”
“You didn’t tell me.”
“Well, I forgot.”
“Okay, but now I know.”
“Why are you upset? Just tell me what you need.”
These phrases sound harmless—even cooperative at times. But strung together, over weeks and years, they become something else entirely. They become the architecture of gendered emotional labor.
What these statements really say is: I am not holding it with you.
Not the calendar.
Not the plan.
Not the worry.
Not the responsibility.
And when you’re the one remembering school picture day, coordinating permission slips, booking the pediatrician, tracking which kid eats what, managing screen time, making the lunches, and also getting blamed when things go sideways—you start to notice that what’s being offered isn’t help. It’s outsourcing of responsibility dressed up as forgetfulness.
We’ve said this before and we’ll say it again: Help is not the same as participation.
Passive Forgetting Is Not Neutral
Sociologist Arlie Hochschild called this the second shift—the unpaid, invisible labor disproportionately carried by women and primary caregivers. The modern version includes not just household chores and kid logistics, but also emotional regulation, conflict prevention, scheduling vaccinations, and being the first to Google, “How to talk to your kid about climate grief.”
When one parent says “I forgot,” and the other doesn’t get to forget, we are not just dealing with memory—we are dealing with structural inequality.
Because what happens when the default parent forgets?
- Kids go hungry.
- Appointments get missed.
- Teachers send emails.
The whole system starts to wobble.
But when the other parent forgets?
- They are reminded.
- Gently.
- With a sigh.
- With a post-it.
- With resentment.
The Real Cost of Passive Participation
When you only show up when asked, you force someone else to hold the whole scaffolding of your family’s life. That’s not partnership—that’s dependence.
If your partner has to:
- Think ahead for both of you
- Re-explain things they already said
- Plan around your unknowns
- Manage your emotions about the planning…
…then you are not an equal participant. You are creating more work.
Rewriting the Script: From Helper to Co-Parent
Participation means showing up with initiative. It means doing the things no one told you to do because you noticed they needed doing. It means reading the email. Putting the event in the calendar. Setting the alarm. Making the plan and remembering the plan.
Want to build trust? Hold things without being asked. Follow through. Don’t say “just tell me what to do”—figure out what to do.
Think of it like this: if you wouldn’t say it to your boss, don’t say it to your co-parent.
“You never told me that deadline was real.”
“I didn’t realize you needed that done today.”
“You should have reminded me again.”
Imagine how that would land at work. Why is your partner less deserving of clarity and respect?
Kids Are Watching
Every time you disengage from the mental load, your kids learn something about gender, power, and responsibility.
- They learn who carries stress.
- They learn whose time matters.
- They learn who is allowed to forget.
- They learn who becomes invisible.
The Shift Is Simple—But Not Easy
The shift from “helper” to “participant” won’t happen overnight. But it starts with honesty and action:
- Take initiative.
- Hold shared memory.
- Build your own systems.
- Apologize without defensiveness.
- Stay consistent.
And if you’re feeling defensive right now, that’s okay. Let it be information. Sit with it. Then show up differently tomorrow.
Because your kids—and your partner—deserve more than a sometimes-present witness. They deserve someone who shares the weight.
